Anakiwa, New-Zealand...borrowed from the above photographer
Well...I never expected to be writing about this topic...but here we are...I was very hesitant as to whether I should openly share some of our story or not as I feel there is something to be said in keeping it private...makes it seem more sacred in a strange way but I also feel a journey shared is at times a journey halved...hopefully I have made the right decision...
I am one in four...two weeks tomorrow I was in the hospital in labor...its just that this happened about hmmmm...27 weeks too early...I do not want sympathy and I most certainly do no want pity but I would like to share this story for others who were even further along in their journey than us...for anyone who is curious this really was what I would call labor and the contractions lasted for some ten hours...slightly less than my 50+ on and off with our previous pregnancy...but mark my words...no less intense...this babe was tiny but a babe no less...
We only found out we were expecting when I was what we first thought nearly 7 weeks...we were a little shocked to say the least and went through a range of emotions but a couple of weeks later we were very much looking forward to meeting our new baby...this pregnancy was very unlike my first...I felt quite sick around the time we found out and also had a nasty virus...I felt quite emotional and was a bit scared as I read over my previous notes and saw the words abruption...it finally dawned on me how close we came to possibly losing our first child and made the process of what I was about to go through slightly more traumatic...
I just read this absolutely beautiful and heart breaking post and it inspired me to share a little of our story so that other Mothers who never got to take their babies home will know they are not alone and to raise awareness...The following was written by Karen Prisco and sent to the Editor of every parenting magazine she could think of and published in Kiwiparent magazine...I think she is one brave lady and I send muchmuchmuch love and huge hugs to Karen and her family...
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I am 'one in four'. It's a crazy statistic which can be applied to many things. What does it mean to me? It means this:
I am one in four who has lost a child through miscarriage, still birth or infant loss
I am one in four who has suffered the heartache, pain, despair and tears of losing a baby
I am one in four who never got to take their baby home
I am one in four who has experienced the isolation and loneliness of a miscarriage
I am one in four who misses their baby every single day, forever
I am one in four. I am still standing and I am breaking the silence.
Pregnancy and infant loss affects so many women but we are led to believe that it's a reasonably uncommon occurrence. When it happens to us we are often unprepared and unaware of the processes that we will go through both medically and emotionally. We are unaware because it is not an experience freely discussed or shared. It's an experience which could have been eased a little if I had known others had shared the same journey, if I'd been aware this could happen to me and had some knowledge of what was likely to happen. Because of this I need to stand up and give my child, my story a voice. I hope to encourage people to speak about baby loss, so we know we are not alone if it happens and to help people understand how to support grieving families regardless of gestational age that a baby is lost.
I'll ask you this: Have you stopped to wonder if I had a boy or a girl? Have you wondered about their name, their birthday, their size, their birth? Chances are you didn't. You probably stopped wondering as soon as you saw the word miscarriage. I know, because I've done this. I was responsible for perpetuating the silence. This is why baby loss is so hidden because most people shut it out, they don't ask, they don't want to upset anyone or be upset. But we need to talk about it, we need to educate ourselves and support each other and we, as bereaved parents need our stories heard.
What can you do? Say our baby's name, ask about them, listen to our story. We can also help provide better compassionate care by having a cuddle cot in every birthing unit in New Zealand. A Cuddle Cot is a cooling unit which fits inside a Moses basket, giving families a little longer with their baby than is currently possible. It is now well recognized spending time with your baby after they have passed, creating memories by taking photos, casts, and hand/footprints is an important part of the healing process.
To get a Cuddle Cot into their local birthing units bereaved mums in Rotorua, Dunedin and on the West Coast have started fundraising in memory of their children. I have set up a Givealittle page https://givealittle.co.nz/cause/cuddlecots to help raise $500,000 to purchase a unit for each of the 80 birthing units in the country. I have already donated a Cuddle Cot to Christchurch Women's Hospital and with the help of others aim to get units across all of New Zealand. If every person who has been affected by baby loss donated $1 we would have no trouble reaching our goal.
If you know someone who has suffered the loss of a baby at any stage through pregnancy, here is a quote to consider:
“If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention
them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that
they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What
you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and
...that is a great gift.” -Elizabeth Edwards
I have a daughter, she lived and died in my womb, she was born on the 15 April 2014 her name is Elizabetta and she has inspired me to break the silence.
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We named our baby Anakiwa Baxter...it was not on our list of names but this babe needed a special name and this was a special place to my husband during his childhood. The little one was due to join our family on October 7th 2015 but sadly this was not to be. I am sharing this as I am wanting to thank all those who knew our story for all their loving support over the past few weeks...especially to my parents and our dear friends Danelle and Billy for all their wise words and to manymany others for messages, phone calls, baking, gifts, flowers and manymany kind words. To SANDS Canterbury for our special wee gift box and to the thirty something medical professionals from our midwife to all the wonderful staff at Christchurch Women's Hospital who helped to make this journey a little easier for us...and also to the lovely ladies who belong to the Uterine Rupture groups for your encouraging words of support...some of whom know all too well how not only soooooooo very sad we were to go through this process but also at times very scared...we could never thank you enough...but we thank you all from the bottom of our hearts.
Also a very special mention to a beautiful friend of mine who taught me without knowing that some Women are sooooo very strong and have Angel's with wings bigger than ours and can find a way to go on...you are amazing and I will always remember your special Angel and admire your strength and courage...really there are no words to truly express how much you inspired me at this time...there is always someone who through no fault of their own has had to endure a journey much longer and harder...love you always xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
I am also sharing this to raise awareness about the following groups and organizations available to help anyone in a similar position to ours in the future;
http://www.sands.org.nz/
http://www.stillbirthalliance.org.au/
http://www.miscarriagesupport.org.nz/nzresearch.html
http://givealittle.co.nz/cause/onemorecuddle
And especially to highlight the following page as after what we went through I just can not begin to imagine what families with beautiful babes that would be resting in these cots must go through...breaks my heart;
https://givealittle.co.nz/cause/cuddlecots
I have made a Pinterest page in loving memory of our dear little baby;
https://www.pinterest.com/wister/anakiwa/
And finally to anyone who has lost a babe like us...this idea makes me smile;
http://lauragraceweldon.com/2012/06/12/mother-child-are-linked-at-the-cellular-level/
It’s now known that cells from a developing fetus cross the placenta, allowing the baby’s DNA to become part of the mother’s body. These fetal cells persist in a woman’s body into her old age. (If she has been pregnant with a male child it’s likely she’ll have some Y-chromosomes drifting around for a few decades too). This is true even if the baby she carried didn’t live to be born. The cells of that child stay with her, resonating in ways that mothers have known intuitively throughout time.
Fetal cells you contributed to your own mother may be found in her blood, bone marrow, skin, kidney, and liver. These fetal cells appear to “treat” her when she is ill or injured. Researchers have noticed the presence of these cells in women diagnosed with illnesses such as thyroid disease and hepatitis C. In one case, a woman stopped treatment against medical advice. A liver biopsy showed “thousands of male cells” determined to be from a pregnancy terminated nearly 20 years earlier. These cells helped her body recover just as fetal cells you gave your mother rush to help repair her from within when she’s unwell.
Just a small excerpt from the above...amaaaaaazing stuff...
This post is for ALL those Mothers who have suffered a loss for I feel that none would be any easier than the other though certainly acknowledge some would be harder losses to bare...one important thing to remember is that everyone's experience is as valid as the next and everyone processes the loss in different ways...to all the 1 in 4's like me...to all the Mothers and families who have lost an older child...to all the Mothers and families who have had to give up a Child for any reason and also to those who could not carry a Child of their own...
A large NZ population based study recently found that 1 in 3 NZ women had experienced a miscarriage within their lifetime (Fanslow, Silva, Whitehead, & Robinson, 2008). As miscarriage is not a notifiable event in NZ, and no national research has been conducted into the occurrence per known pregnancy, the statistics available are only estimates. As such, in NZ it is estimated that 1 in 4 known pregnancies end in miscarriage with approximately 21,083 pregnancies ending in miscarriage in the year ending March, 2008 (Personal communication with Carr, 2008).(Taken from http://www.miscarriagesupport.org.nz/nzresearch.html)
I will update this post from time to time as and when I come across any pages/books etc that may be of interest...such as;
I very much look forward to bringing our wee babe home to rest...hopefully by Friday...we now have our Sunshine baby...our Angel baby and hopefully someday a Rainbow baby xxxxxx
